FellFang
Update upon Myself XD
It's so far halfway through the year, almost lol. Nevertheless it's been a good year right off the bat, even with a little hickup upon my vehicle as of late. I've been sketching a bit as well here and there but haven't posted the recent one as of yet as I'm adding a bit more to it. A design upon my finance's ring. ^^ And after that I'm working on a project for my Furry Family. Yes for those whom I haven't mentioned to yet, my boyfriend and I are engaged since February 13, 2018. Upon my earlier visit this year in Canada. I had intentions of it being upon Valentines Day but...the thirteenth was amazing day and I couldn't help myself as I knew it was one more day but I really wanted to ask him right there and then. -Chuckles- That's my highlight of this year, being the happiest man on earth with my Matthew. As well highlight of seeing him happy in return, lots of snuggles that evening. ^^ I even got to meet his father in person who visited as well, among seeing the ice sculptures which I have yet to post here. Given time sometime this week, I plan to. Along with Matthew's design. Right now we both wearing our promise rings, I admit haven't worn a ring since my class ring that I put away safety due to my work environment. But not now the case, found my chain link necklace so I can still wear it around my neck in such cases for work. And back on the moment I'm off. XD
So yeeaaahh lol first part of this year has been so well. Went up to visit Matthew, for two weeks around Valentines week. Visit the sights, the Yukon Quest Dogsled Race. Even though we both didn't get to see the racers sadly. The winner crossed as we slept, and the rest trickled on through as we were either resting, and back at his apartment relaxing after the days activities. But nevertheless always a next time. If my flight back home was a day later, we would have met them all as they arranged a event called 'Meet the Mushers!' to hear their stories upon the trail. But still always another time for that event, I still enjoyed my time regardless up there with my mate. We also got some good news as I was struggling getting information, as I tried on my own and fellow friends who help to get the average cost of an immigration lawyer for my planning on moving to Canada. Tip note, don't bother with them unless you have the funds to do so. And hope that you don't have a stuck up arrogant one that just wants your money. Thankfully since I didn't open up a solid case with one, I owe nothing. Which is fair as I kept asking kindly for the next steps in advance so I could make time within my schedule to get them done and save up for his earning for my case. But his lost as a friend of Matthew's mention that the Yukon does a immigration program that if I find a job that will sponsor me, in which I work for them for two years straight and no one else. They'll help cover my costs in travel, a place to rest if needed be but won't as I'd be moving in with Matthew. And three months of Health Care before I'm eligible myself after working for the company that would be sponsoring me within the three month period they cover. So basically after forth month, I have Health Care. We also went in person to a fellow immigration officer whom was very kind, and answered our questions within an hour of our time, compared to digging tooth and nail of three months of an immigration lawyer who wouldn't budge unless I opened up a case. Once again his loss, as she was kind enough to answer our questions as well average costs of the paperwork I would need. So I have that already been in works upon saving. So when I have that ready, as I'm still in works of getting everything in place to move for next year I be ready.
Next year? When I had plans of this August to move. I know, I'm still down about it. But I'm ok, same with Matthew who feels the same. The reason being is that when I returned back home I had intentions to take my pickup back in for an oil change as it was due, a week and a half after my return from visiting Matt. Unfortunately too late in sense as my sensors went all off. After I slid off the road, only five hundred yards out from the driveway. And...took out the mail box which I replaced as it was folks. XD This was after a blizzard too, that as I say this in no offense but really like...grow up folks. 'GOD FORBID ANYONE PLOWING THE ROADS ON A SUNDAY!!!' Which mind didn't get plowed till in the evening around 4pmish. The blizzard ended around 10am. I'm a cautious driver, believe me I didn't budge over 35mph upon a 70mph highway before coming off of my exit down the road to home. Going only 15mph on a 50pmh road. What I didn't expect was to hit the little dip-lit that's just upon the driveway that filled up with ice, and with the fresh amount of snow, it caused me to slide. Two options as I reacted quickly. Mail box, or the bard wired fence, with a junk pile behind it. Evidently by now you know what I choose. I have a slight bump, on my front bumper but no biggie. Till a week after it being reported for insurance, that my sensors kicked off. To the point that I couldn't drive my pickup itself. After taking her in, the mechanic explained the cause of it. There was a part that was still a manufactured part, that was designed to suck my oil dry on purpose. So my estimation of when 'thinking' I'll make it to next payday. Cost me. So it's my fault, as well the trucks as I had no knowledge upon said part. As the only thing I received since owning it for a year now was the air bags are on recall, which I still haven't gotten news upon the replacement for those yet. Long short, my engine is done. That part cost me greatly, as well me for not being over paranoid upon my oil as I check it three times a month. Once a week basically.
For a new engine, mind this pickup only has one set of an engine so that explains why it's still in high value of cost. A new one costs $4,500. A use one costs $4,000. Better off to get a new one right? Only that $2,000 total will be in labor along. That's guaranteed by the mechanic. So average there combined $6,500, plus in addition to any other parts needed $500 just in case. So average if I went with it, as another route was found. I would have eaten a grand total around the average of $7,000. Huge damp in my moving plans. Right now thanks to my mother and father who been helping me greatly, in which they have my highest thanks found a interchangeable engine that will do. At the grand total of $3,795. That includes a two year warranty upon the engine for service through the other mechanic only, such as repairs, and of course labor included as well the engine. Granted a bit of a damp in moving as I barely got my savings back up to average $2,000 which is half that now after this was all said and done. The $3,975 I was thankfully approved for a signature loan from my personal bank, two years to pay it off. But Matthew, in which I love about him among his great heart will be helping me pay it off. Hopefully sooner than expected. Payments are still within my budget thankfully, and I believe we can pay it off before next year if I calculate it just right. Which believe me, I'm decent at as I control my funds carefully. You never know when you'll need it like right now lol. I did have more in my savings before all of this, but I also helped when my mother and sibling went in for surgery a week apart form each other, before my trip to visit Matt. So helped with the weight of bills and such. Nevertheless I'm still standing. Barely perhaps, but dam well determined. Life may have thrown a dam wrench at me, but I plan to throw it back in return in full.
So yea that's the half year mark of recap, so in a nutshell of present. I'm working two full time jobs, to get my pickup back in shape as it also has a few other repairs needed before I can drive up to Canada when I move in with my Matthew. ^^ The pickup will be running soon within later of this month. But I have a list still of the repairs needed to address before I move. So hence my absence as of late in which may be length's of time. However am still trying my best to keep in contact with my family and friends. I'm not alone in this, as my folks are helping me out along with my soon to be husband. We don't have a date set, not till after I move in and we settle down. When we do, it's just going to be family and friends, nothing fancy either. We're both simple -Chuckles- I love him so much, and he knows for his smart ass remarks that when I see him again he's getting tackled, and followed up being tickled. He's amazing man, and I'm ever grateful of crossing his path. And the courage of confessing my feelings after. We're both happy, and together with the family we plan to overcome this delay in our plans of living together. We plan to succeed, and I plan to keep him happy for long as I live. He has my heart, my soul, and my paw and no other shall have it. And everyone knows that when I'm set on a goal, I bust my ass to achieve it. As I always say to Matt. "If there's a will, then there's a way. We'll find that way together." and we always have.
That's all I got for now for a quick recap, and as well why I haven't been in contact as much. Please don't feel neglected as I don't mean to put my friends aside. Granted I'm not alone in my situation to get my life back in track. But you all know me. I aim to see my dreams through. I'll bust my ass working hard to get my pickup back in order, and savings build back to par. Or enough just to get by for a fresh start with my fiancee'. Just keep shooting messages, I'll respond to them soon as I can. I promise. And don't get hurt please if I have to end the conversations short too. Working two jobs can be tiring. So please understand that I must obtain my health up to par best as I can as I work away on my part to get things back on track. Other than that, I'm going to find some grub now, and hop on Monster Hunter as I await for my Matty Matt. ^^ You all have a good evening or night...depending upon your timezone.
~Chris.
Semi-Update:
Resolutions. Time to Buckle down.
New Year's Resolution Goals for 2016:
1. Write more chapters for my novel in progress. And if possible be able to finish it. Goal is to have a total of twenty chapters. {/} I managed to get more in, but not the goal I seeked. However I did get and am working on Chapter 13. Previously was only on Chapter 8 and managed to get to thirteen but working between two jobs a awhile back, plus no laptop till now was hard to get some time for myself in my own world.
2. Keep looking for a job still, and hopefully secure one soon. {x} Accomplished. And good news, out of debt. Now back to hard core savings, and some on the side for emergencies. You just never know....
3. Save up funds in the following three categories. Saving, Emergencies, and Funds for spending. {} <Yea that? That was whipped clean, a lot came up....family, my own bills and debts, and etc. So back to square one!
4. Attend more social outgoings with fellow furs within my state. Perhaps be more social than semi-ant social these days. {/} I have to seriously work on this....I really want to for the sake of more friends, and perhaps who knows meet someone along the way.
5. Sort out my life, perhaps when things are calm and steady might consider looking for a relationship(?) {/} Sort out part, half accomplished. Relationship wise.....not so much but never hurts to keep searching or hoping in this case. Takes time.
6. Save funds for least either a full fur suit, or a nearby furry convention. Must choose one. Attend if possible, if not then save for the suit. {/}<I did have enough saved but circumstances came up and thus I helped with. No biggy, yea a bit frustrated but hey, always another time.
The goals for 2017 however are going to be more of a challenge, and hopefully a huge step for a better future.
1. Finish my book! Goal is to least have it finished, total chapter goal be either a possibility between twenty-eight, or thirty chapters. Depends how the flow goes. I did make a hell of improvement in my opinion to get where it is now. {}
2. Life Goals are the following:
- Attend to at least one maybe possibility two fur cons that are close by of where I reside.{}
- Trade off my 'go to getter' vehicle for a pickup. I enjoy my camping, a car can only go so far up some trails... XD. Plus I like my pickups. Not jack high crap garbage, just a average pickup truck that will get the job done. This is going to be after I attend a con. Only because it's not a need right now, my car is just fine but doesn't hurt to upgrade. Plus I'm way overdue for a vacation by a long shot. XD {}
- Build up my Savings, and Emergency Funds. {}
- Look into a place of my own, or if lucky a possible roommate. Though this depends if I wish to reside where I am now, or move to another state. Depending upon the situations, that's still up for debate. {}
- Taking $5.00 out of my change into my own personal savings, saving up for a suit that might not be able of purchase till average mid-fall of 2018. Place down extra only if I can spare such. Responsibilities always come first! {}
- Once book is finished, get it published. Any help here be greatly appreciated please. {}
- There is another goal....I like to accomplish but that one takes time above everything else. And till then I'll just..keep that to myself. So guess till then, for it may be successful or a failure. {}
- Keep everything stable as possible, aka stay afloat! {}
Believe that sums it up so far, the year of 2016 was indeed rough. Literately...but manageable regardless. I did get out of debt before the new year, and started over on my savings. So it's going alright right now thus far. I hope it continues to get better not just for myself but for others as well. And hopefully along the way of what I seek, I hope to achieve. Till then, shall catch you all later. Only working so far one full time job as my second was only seasonal which I do return every year. However this year it's a debating subject...if I do it, what I really want to do won't be so much as possible. However on the other side, I double my savings within a month to get a better footing. So...I'm going to debate on that myself before that time comes around the corner. Sometimes sacrifices must be made....over and over but sometimes it's ok just to say 'Dam it I want to have some fun!'
Reaching out.
First off, this is going to be a long entry. I suggest you have a seat, have a drink or something to munch upon while you read this. Secondly I don't really like to...bring up my past as I rather move on forward. Fresh start, new beginning, etc. you all know how that is. However thinking it over perhaps this may be best to bring up, for it has helped a few selected people whom I already shared my own story with. The story of questioning if life is really precious. Worth living. To get to that answer you first have to hear me out. Then you can decide for yourself as I told the previous folks who already heard of this story, along the meaning, and my own answer to such question about life. It has saved three lives, and I'm glad to have helped those three individuals with my own story of experience of what they were 'about to go through.'
Of course this isn't only just hitting for anyone thinking of suicidal thoughts, but if you are. Sit and listen, that I do ask of you. But this is for everyone, who really wonder if life itself is worth living. Is it even precious? The answer really is yes, and this is my story. And the reasons why I say yes to both. Reading a post from a dear friend of mine earlier while on lunch asked such question. So if you're reading this, which I believe you are. I hope this answers your question. You may also share this if you wish, perhaps it may help others out for you may never know. Now are you ready for me to begin? You got your mug of warm hot chocolate? Some snacks to go with it? Good, now I hope your siting in a comfortable spot for it's time to begin.
Chris's Story Upon the Meaning of Life.
What I'm about to tell you, in which only a few trusted people already know. My parents already know of it, but do they know the total attempts? Probably not but they will now I'm sure. My apologies, forgot introductions. I'll give you my first name but not my last. I'm Chris. And this is my story I'll be telling you for I'm sure you're at that point I was a long time ago. Though I admit it feels like just yesterday when I think about it. And you're questioning right now if Life itself even has a meaning. A purpose. Hell probably wondering if it's even precious. Obviously the answer to them all is 'Yes.' And I'll answer each of those in order in time.
How do I even begin aside of the facts before the table. Before you knew me, or even then perhaps you probably thought 'Hey, he's not a bad guy. Probably has a good goal plan already set up for life. He's got nothing to worry about.' Actually I really don't have much of a plan but day by day basis. Pathetic I know but it's kept me alive thus far among many factors. If you haven't guess this yet, then let me just say it. Back then I was depressed enough that for a few months after the first discussion with my parents of claiming my life, I was on the edge of suicidal. First attempt, was in the backseat of the car, going down a highway. I thought about it then, how easy it would be just to open the door, jump on out, and kiss the pavement. But I didn't, a split-second I could have but I didn't. Why? At that time I had no answer. But after a breakdown and a quarrel with my parents I let it slip and was put on medication for a few months. I did take them, and for a time they did help. However our bodies do adjust over time. And ironically enough the effects of the pills no longer held me in balance. So I stop taking them. Figure I cut it cold turkey and handle it like a man.
Foolish enough that lasted for a year. Second attempt, when I could barely take the stress between my problems I took a tie. Red with diamond patterns, around my neck. Took the other end, and tossed it around the heat vent pipe within my room. Took a stool, and was ready. It would have succeed, had the tie not snapped. Surprise right? I don't know how either, just thankful now that it did. Had a letter ready too. But reading over that letter, and how fate decided that it wasn't my time to die. I questioned 'What's my purpose then? Why struggle through Life? The hell is the meaning of Life?" That letter was shredded into the trash, and I for sure felt like shit. Even then I didn't have the answers to the questions at that time.
Third attempt when I just reached the age of eighteen. A little bit mature, somehow giving wisdom to others, but still lacked the knowledge to those questions. Least not yet. The third and final attempt, and mind still off medication. Was when I broke down to tears due to the stress of the family, work, home, and mostly my own problems in which I tried to solve yet majority backfired just to spite me. It was that night I finally figured the answers to my questions just as I held a particular knife to my beating chest. I still remember the ice cold chill that blade radiated upon my flesh. Just waiting for a simple thrust to the heart. That's it, just one thrust. All it would take. Yet I threw the blade aside again, shamed for what I did. To this day do I stand, and to this day I refuse to fall to depression or anything that ties to bring me down. Why? Well now here's the answers to the questions you seek.
What's the meaning of life? That my friends is what you make of it. How you live, who you make part of your life such as friends, family, loved ones, hell even the one you're crushing one or in a relationship with are part of this meaning of life. You've touch the hearts of those dear to you, making a meaning not just to them but to yourself. What I mean is, you care. You love. You may hate for that's natural, or maybe jealous. But the bottom line is you feel emotions upon those you love. The meaning of life, is how you affect not only your life but those who you chose to surround yourself with. Family. Friends. Loved ones.
Is life even that precious? Yes it is. You want to know why? I almost threw my life away just because I thought it would solve my problems. Thinking only for my own benefit, not of those around me. Life is precious, despite that life is fickle like a river. Or even a roller coaster for that matter. The ride never ends it's ups and downs. But stand with me and you'll pull through just as I am now. Life is precious because of the fact you have only one shot in life. That's it. This isn't a game where you can just respawn at any given time you died. You die that's it. Where the next journey is from there I don't know, but I'm not going to know that till my time comes when fate seems fit to claim my life. Hell I hope that be when I'm asleep. But that's not the point. Life is precious due to these factors. Had I claim my life who would be suffering right now? My parents, family, and friends. Would that really solve any of my problems had I claimed my life? No. My actions had I gone through with it would have cause more problems. The most being loss. The loss of a loved one that was kept within the hears that held dear to me. I'd be one huge asshole on the other side, ashamed as the dirt we step on daily upon the other side.
Life is indeed precious mostly because of those who love you. They love you for being you. Don't give two shits what others think of you. And hey if someone tells you to 'Fuck off!' Just take my lines by saying. "Oh I'm sorry, I can't help you in that department. I'm sure you got someone in particular that can do that for ya right? I mean I'm guessing since now you're asking me to assist you in such manner?" They won't have a response. Because everyone that told me that either in anger or in joking manner never has come up with one. Yet. So do me a favor alright? Life your life, because it is precious. You have a meaning in life. You have a purpose as well. You just have to sit down, even with a friend if that helps to evaluate who you are if you don't know. Trust me it took me a long time to finally come to terms. To feel whole aside that I'm single lol. However just live out your life. No matter what tries to bring you down. You do have friends, family, and loved ones who do give two shits about you. Don't hesitate on that. I really care, and dam it I'm always willing to listen. I don't care if I'm asleep, shoot a dam message at me. Hell if you have my number just call. If I don't respond doesn't mean I won't when I wake up to your message, or missed call. The same goes for you. If you know someone who needs a hand or just feel that they need someone to talk to. Just reach out. You never know that might be your last.
This may sound like it's aiming at those being suicidal but in reality I'm aiming at those I care for. I've been down this road. I still to this day fight it, but never have I made any other attempts because of my own reasons. What's the meaning of life to me? Well for starters, I've touched many it seems by their hearts. I've made friends, and probably some enemies along the way but regardless I they mean everything to me. Especially my family. Yea haven't moved, you know why? Because I give a dam. Sure I have made sacrifices, some small and some....huge but I made them. I made it clear despite yea I get a bit grumpy sometimes. I can be an ass as well if I'm at a point my patience is thin ice. But I do care regardless. Because everyone I met, who I have friended, and love either as fellow brother or sister have made a difference in my life as well. That's what it means to me.
But what about how life is precious? To me it is, in my experience I precious every dam moment with you all. I don't want to lose that. Yea we may have some arguments, here and there or dislikes but who doesn't? Do you really think I trade that for anything? To lose you is losing a part of myself because I loved every moment we shared. Through the good, and the bad. Hell even if it's one of those moments where sitting and down and swap stories like "Oh hey you remember that time I place pepper down your drink? Or when your father hosed you down!" Life is precious to me because we all have one shot in life. And dam it I'm doing my best to make it count. It's not how we die that we're remembered, for it's how we make an impact on others and how we lived that will be remembered. And granted we all die, but will you least stand beside me to live life best you can. Give it your all, and make those precious moments together? For when time comes for either of us, it be those moments I'll think back on, remembering you.
If you're tearing up, go ahead and grab a tissue. It's alright. If you're holding it in, don't. Just let it go. It's not weakness, it's strength. If you're still here, we'll go on to the purpose of Life. Hell this one took me so long to find an answer. And that is what you drive yourself to. My purpose is to live out the best I can. Be with my family and friends, hell hopefully someday with someone I love within a relationship. I have goals, and dreams. Some I haven't achieved, and others I'm striving so hard not to turn to ashes. What you make life, is how you shape it. In turn it shapes you to who you are. That's the exchange through the trials of life. That's how it works. Your purpose may align with mine, or it may not but you do have a purpose. Don't you let anyone else tell you differently.
Bottom line is Life has these aspects, these being the top questions everyone asks daily. Yet through experience you gain the answers. Not just your own. but from those around you. Do me another favor, I know I asked this a lot from you. Don't be a stump upon a log. I want you to turn that frown upside down, and smile like a clown. Live Life itself how you intend to live it. You only have one shot, so give it hell and make it count. You have family, friends, and loved ones who give a dam about you. I give a dam about you. This roller coaster of Life only stops when you give up. Don't ever give up. As I always say which others smile for they know I'm a fur. "Chin up, ears perked, eyes forward. And give me that smile. Today is just today, but tomorrow is what you make of it." Don't give up, stand up. If I made it this far, so can you. My family helped me through, even my friends. They can do the same for you. But only if you let them. Don't hesitate. Don't ever hesitate. Reach out.
Current Update of my Life
Wal-Mart:
Monday: OFF
Tuesday: 10pm-7am
Wednesday: 10pm-7am
Thursday: 10pm-7am
Friday: 10pm-7am
Saturday: OFF (May be thrown on Saturday, they're working on that so to make sure I don't go into overtime XD)
Sunday: OFF
Yellowstone Bear World
Monday: 9am-6/7pm
Tuesday: 11am-6/7pm
Wednesday: 11am-6/7pm
Thursday: 11am-6/7pm
Friday: OFF
Saturday: 9am-6/7pm
Sunday: 9am-6/7pm
Average if lucky enough three hours off rest before I start my full-time day job. Rest again for two hours before hitting off at Wal-Mart as it's part time. So in theory five hours of sleep total, yet I believe I can pull it off as I have no choice in the matter. Well in saying no, in my own perspective I could say no and let everything just go...or as I always do sacrifice myself for the greater good.
Understand that the schedule for Wal-Mart is set in stone, Yellowstone Bear World is just a rough availability I handed in which usually is my set schedule. Knowing how family orientated the place is he'll probably work a way to help me get some rest when I insisted that I'll be fine. As most people who know me in life, know that I work to the bone. This year I'll be probably drag myself to my grave maybe but what must be done must be so. Matters at home have to be taken care of. I'll also be working on my sleeping schedule to get into routine of such ahead of time to let my body adjust. For I don't nor have I and nor will I take energy drinks. Nor energy boost effects.
Thus understand I may be on and off here on out, but will try to be active when I can. And if I don't speak much within here, Skype, through my cell (To my trusted friends of course), and etc for a bit mostly because I know the fact doing this will take a toll upon me so I ask of you to understand that I'm not fully functional till I adjust. If I do happen to 'lash' out in some means through a smart remark, forgive me as at times I can have a short temper when lacking rest. Thus if a response is late there's three reasons as to why. One, is that I'm in a foul mood hence 'short temper' and I'll be biting my tongue as to remind myself that I'm not fully functional yet and to be considerate of my friends and not lash out on stupidity or reckless behavior as this may sound. The second, is either I'm passed out resting while I can thus if I don't respond within ten minutes to your message that is what happen. The third is if you send a message during my shifts, I won't answer till I'm either on break or off. If I arrive a few minutes early before I clock in then I'll respond real quick and then excuse myself that 'I'm at work and clocking in.'
I believe that covers it, if there is any changes I'll let you know as I like to spend in the company of my friends. And right now, it's needed for as I got a lot on my shoulders at this moment. Thus I will try to be around when I can, as well if able to assuming I'm not out cold till my body adjusts to the new sleeping schedule routine. Also if you read through all of this, I thank ye kindly for your time. I'm a winded talker at times so....get use to it. ^^'
-Renszvaras